You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
