her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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