If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
