I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
