Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
