38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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