Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
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