I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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