There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
