Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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