I puked a lego.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
