haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
