my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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