apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
