so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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