The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
