I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
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