Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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