I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
