my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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