1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
