He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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