maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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