I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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