New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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