I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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