who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Someone shattered a urinal.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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