every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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