Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
