I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
