as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
