we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
