She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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