...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Randomize
