I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
