hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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