His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
