I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
