What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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