I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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