im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
