i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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