This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
