Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
