i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
