also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
