dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
