A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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