You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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