The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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