I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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