My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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