i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
