Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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