Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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