My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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