Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
