was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
