My liver just broke up with me...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Less talking, more tequila
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
