You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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