Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
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Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
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Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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