"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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